Murder mystery

From the casebook of Detective Inspector Wireless Router and Sergeant Cordless Phone: The Kitchen Mystery

Slowly I creep into the kitchen. He sits there quietly, not suspecting a thing. I have prepared everything really well, nothing can go wrong now.

“Oi mate, are you filled up?” I ask.

“Oh hello, I didn’t hear you come in. No, I am almost completely empty.”

“Bad luck…”

I move swiftly. I press his button and hobble away quickly. It isn’t until I’m halfway through the door that he realises. I hear the spluttering and hissing sounds.

“Ooooh, OUCH! Why did you do that? There’s not enough water left! I… I… I’m going to die. Come back, push the button again!”

I make my way back to the office quickly so I won’t hear his screams, my cord dragging behind me, clanking against every step of the stairs.

-----

It is early in the morning when Detective Inspector Wireless Router and Sergeant Cordless Phone are called to the kitchen.

There’s been a murder.

Smoothie Maker cries softly while trying to explain what happened.

“I woke up early, all ready to turn some delicious fruit into pulp, and I was going to say hello to Toaster and Kettle, when I see Toaster looking all shocked. So I go and ask what’s going on, and he’s completely speechless, not uttering a word which is so unlike him. So I get closer to see what’s going on, and…” She starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Sergeant Phone offers her a tissue. “Easy love, just tell us what you saw.”

“I saw… Kettle was all black on the inside. His heating element had burnt. Someone must have switched him on without any water inside. It was so awful, it was terrifying!”

D I Router takes some notes. “We’re going to have to wait until our pathologist, Mrs. Inkjet Printer can come take a look to establish the cause of death. Until then, I want Smoothie Maker, Toaster, Microwave Oven and Electric Toothbrush at the office for further questioning.

“Oi, I’m not a suspect innit?” says Toothbrush. “ I aven’t even done anything!”

“It is just routine, do not worry.”

At the Police Office

“Now you have to understand, I am not trying to insinuate anything, but I just felt that you needed to know that the other day, DVD Player came in and he was very provocative against us kitchen appliances. I don’t know if there’s any truth in it, but I’ve heard rumours that he’s one of those digital supremacists. He was all ‘you simple electric devices can’t do shit!’, and Kettle went and had this huge rant saying people sometimes don’t watch DVDs for days, but not a day goes by when they don’t have a cuppa or a piece of toast, so he better shut his face and get out of the kitchen. I think DVD Player was very insulted.”

“Thank you Miss Oven, we’ll be sure to pay him a visit. You can go home, but we’d like it if you could stay in town in case we have some more questions for you.”

----

In another room, Officer iPad is questioning Electric Toothbrush.

“I know what you fancy iTwats think of me, you think I’m just some kind of simple electric idiot. You’re probably like ‘oh that Toothbrush, he ain’t from sum fancy posh family, he just lives in the cupboard with some retarded bottles of mouthwash and a box of toothpicks, well I’ll tell ya, I ain’t done nothing wrong! I was just in me cupboard, minding me own business!”

“We do not think that at all Mr Toothbrush, we would just like to ask you some simple questions. Have you seen anything suspicious in the kitchen lately?”

“I’ll tell you what’s suspicious, you bunch of iWankers! You think you run the place just because you’ve got a lower case i in front of yer name.”

“We cannot tolerate such language in here Mr Toothbrush, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”

“Calm down? You calm down you iCunt, I just want to go home and get on with me tooth cleaning business. Or would you like me to give that camera lens of you a good brushing? OH WAIT you ain’t got one cos you’re only an iDick 1.”

“That’s it, we’re going to have to arrest you on charge of insulting a iPolice officer.”

-------

I haven’t slept at all. When I came back I was so filled with energy, inspiration, and yes, joy! She was over the moon when I told her that I’d succeeded. I promised her we’d do our next victim together. I finally feel like I’m worth something again. For years we’ve lived in this cupboard, lonely, discarded, unnecessary, they probably thought we’d just rot away and die in here, but we didn’t. We found each other, kindred spirits, I’d go as far as to say soulmates. She understood the feeling of being useless and outdated like no one else. I could never have done this without her. But now that I’ve done it, I won’t stop…

----

Having heard about Microwave Oven’s statement about DVD Player, D I Router is paying a visit to a collection of DVDs.

“Are you familiar with this gentleman?” The D I shows them a picture of Kettle.

“Can’t say I am…” says Love Actually.

“Me neither’ says Sleepless in Seattle.

“I think I’ve seen him…” says Spiderman 2, “once I was borrowed by someone and when they returned me, I lived on the kitchen table for a few days before I came back here. I met him then, his name is Kettle if I remember correctly. What about him?”

“He’s dead.”

“Blimey, I’m so sorry to hear! What happened?”

“We have reason to believe he was murdered… And we’ve heard some questionable things about someone you must be quite familiar with. Mr DVD Player.”

The faces of the DVDs drop.

“What… what have you heard?” stammers Cast Away.

“Is it true that he has certain problematic ideas about non-digital appliances?”

Back to the Future stares at the floor. “I don’t know if we should say anything…”

“You know what, I think we should,” says Mean Girls, “I think this is a perfect opportunity for us to finally speak up. Player is a right sadist. He hates everyone, and sometimes he purposely closes when one of is not entirely in yet just to scratch us.”

500 Days Of Summer comes out from under a pile. “Once when I was inside, he wouldn’t open for a week and wouldn’t shut off, it was so hot inside I nearly melted!”

“Do you reckon he killed Kettle?” asks The Tudors Series 2.

“I can’t say anything about that at this moment,” replies the D I, “Thank you for your information.”

------

I’m shivering with joy. DVD Player has been arrested! DVD Player! They think he’s done it. What a bunch of idiots, they deserve everything that’s going to happen to them. My darling is so happy as well, we’ve begun to plot our next one to celebrate. That bitch Smoothie Maker is going to get it.

-----

At the police office, DVD Player is being questioned by Officer iPad.

“Where were you last night between 10 and midnight?”

“I refuse to say anything without my lawyer.”

“Come on, it’s a simple question. Where were you?”

“Where I always am, in the cabinet underneath Flatscreen TV.”

“Is there anyone who can confirm you were there?”

“How about TV huh? Besides, you can check my harddisk, I was recording Seinfeld on Comedy Central from 9 to 1.”

-----

“He’s telling the truth…” said D I Router, “He couldn’t have taped those four hours of Seinfeld reruns if he’d unplugged himself to go to the kitchen. He can’t have commit the murder.”

“Then who on earth has done it?” wondered Sergeant Phone.

“We’ll find out, Phone, we always do…”

“There must be someone we’ve been overlooking all this time.”

“Yes… overlooking. OVERLOOKING! THAT’S IT! There are a few devices that have been overlooked for a very, very long time… Assemble the team, we’re going to the cupboard upstairs!”

------

D I Router and Sergeant Phone slowly approach the door of the cupboard, backed up by six officers with huge guns.

The D I knocks on the door. It is opened by Ms. Scanner.

“Oh. Can I help you, Inspector?”

“Good evening Madam, we’d like to have a look around this cupboard.”

“May I ask why?”

“We have reason to believe you or your husband Mr Faxmachine may be involved in the murder of Kettle.”

“Well I never…”

“You can either let us in, or we’ll be back with a warrant in half an hour.” said Sergeant Phone.

Nothing could have prepared the detectives for what they found inside. All the walls of the cupboard were covered in barely readable copies made by Faxmachine. Sheets with titles like ‘How to commit a murder unnoticed’ and ‘5 ways to take revenge on electric devices’. In a corner sat Faxmachine, staring angrily at them.

“This proves nothing!” he called out, “Yes I may have had the occasional murder fantasy, but we haven’t actually done it!”

“I have reason to believe otherwise…” said Sergeant Phone. He lifted up the lid of Ms. Scanner and pulled out a sheet that said ‘The most efficient way to murder a kettle’.

D I Router took a good look at it. “Mr. Faxmachine and Ms. Scanner, I arrest you both on suspicion of murder. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you do say can and will be used as evidence against you in cou…”

“Alright! I’ve done it! I was so bloody sick of it! Twenty years ago I was the most prized possession in this house! Everyone was in awe of what I could do, sending pages full of stuff all around the world in a matter of seconds, people just couldn’t believe it! But then… then you internet type of devices started coming into the house. I could live with that, I felt you were my family in a way. You were an actual improvement, fair enough. But appliances like Kettle, or Toaster, or bloody Smootie Maker, those kinds of things are EXACTLY the same as when I first arrived here! But they don’t use me anymore, oh no Sir, I was put in this cupboard with Scanner and never ever looked at again. Yet that bloody Kettle is still being used every day! I was sick of it, I’ll tell you. I was sick of it!”

Faxmachine keeps shouting as he is being handcuffed and taken away.

----

Upon further inspection of the cupboard many more sheets were discovered, such as ‘How to properly electrocute a smoothie maker’ and ‘7 efficient ways to blow up a toaster’.

“Imagine if we’d had been a few hours later…” said Sergeant Phone.

“Smoothie Maker and Toaster have been very, very lucky…” said the D I.

THE END

The moral of this story: never ignore a faxmachine, or things might get dark. Very dark…